Starting Over – By Kasey Rogers

The sound of a car horn startled Julie. She was so deep in thought she didn’t notice that traffic had slowed down, and most of it was merging from three lanes into one to take the ramp off I-87 to the Albany International Airport. Julie chastised herself for being so distracted and gave the driver in the next lane an apologetic look. Signaling, she tried to move ahead of him to exit as well. He flipped her the bird and maneuvered his truck forward, blocking her ability to join the cars already in line. 

“Thanks, pal!” she muttered under her breath. 

Usually, she would have returned the rude gesture. But she was not in the mood to deal with morons today. It was a day she had been anticipating for weeks and one that she knew would soon change her life. Nothing today would deter her from her mission. 

It began months ago when she realized that her routine of drinking too much wine and watching whatever British police procedural she could find on Netflix was getting old. Night after night, she curled up on the couch alone. She longed for companionship. Glancing at the mantle above her fireplace, she saw a picture of Doug beaming back at her. His blazing smile and deep brown eyes still melted her heart. Julie missed him more now than ever. For years, she was reluctant to start over. She knew she would never find another Doug. When her former college roommate hinted that perhaps it was time to let go, it got Julie thinking.  

“Your garden looks great!” Allison commented on a post Julie made on Facebook one day. 

Julie liked her comment and replied, “That’s because I zoomed in on the flowers and not all the weeds I still have to pull. I had to stop. Every muscle in my body aches.” 

“Let’s face it, we’re getting old,” Allison wrote back. 

“It’s hard to remember the days Doug and I would hike for hours, and then I’d come home refreshed instead of feeling like a bag of rocks!” Julie replied. 

“He’s been gone a long time. I know starting over is tough, but maybe it’s something to consider?” Allison added with a dozen heart emojis and smiley faces.  

Julie never replied. She couldn’t explain how difficult that was. Even thinking about starting over caused a great deal of apprehension. Taking the steps necessary to fill the void left when he died of a cancer that ravaged his body seemed impossible. The pain of losing him lingered for years. Whenever she turned in for the night, she missed the warmth that once came from the other side of the bed. As often as she had teased him for snoring or waking her when he got up to get a drink or such, she yearned to have him there beside her. Sometimes, she rolled over to snuggle closer to him before realizing he was gone. The two of them did so much together. It seemed impossible to forget all the things she adored about him. As Julie moved through life alone, she felt his absence daily. 

Maybe it is time to start something new? Her friend was right. It was time to let go. 

Still, questions overshadowed her desires. She had been looking forward to her pending retirement. But the prospects of facing it alone now made her pause. Julie tried to convince herself she’d adjust. After all—she could finally start traveling.  

But what fun was that if I have to do it by myself? Thoughts of a solitary life made the future more daunting. 

  If she moved forward, she knew she would be making a huge commitment. And what about compatibility? Doug’s passing left her set in her ways. She was used to a low-key, rather sedentary life now. Every time she even thought about how much things would change, she became hesitant. Embarking on such an endeavor was an enormous decision. She talked herself out of moving ahead multiple times. Lately, though, the aching feeling for something more prompted her to put her hesitancy aside. After all, as Allison reminder her, she wasn’t getting any younger. She decided it wouldn’t hurt to take a peek at a few websites; no harm done if things never progressed further than that. Julie got out her laptop and began her search online for her ideal companion. 

It was hard to know where to start. There were so many sites out there—all with such alluring profiles filled with fabulous pictures and exciting descriptions of possible matches. Julie focused on sites that best suited her criteria. Once she narrowed it down to one or two websites with the widest selection of profiles that interested her, she entered her personal information. She filled her evenings by immersing herself in personality traits, likes, dislikes and considerations of where they lived and their individual histories. She eliminated most of them because so few matched her list of expectations.  

Many of the profiles corresponded with some of what she was looking for—but only one of them tick all the boxes. Night after night, she came back to one profile repeatedly. His name was Gus. His description indicated he was mature, hardworking, good-natured, and recently retired. He loved the outdoors and wasn’t fond of cats. There was something about his picture that melted Julie’s heart. Perhaps it was his graying beard and soulful brown eyes. She couldn’t help but notice—he reminded her a little of Doug. After careful consideration, she had reason to believe, just perhaps she’d found a perfect match.   

The next day at work, Julie tried hard to contain her excitement. By the time lunch came around, she was dying to tell someone. When Wendy, one of her co-workers, came into the lunchroom and sat down next to her, Julie casually brought Gus into their conversation. 

“How was your weekend?” Wendy asked, sitting down with a thermos of soup she took out of her lunch bag. 

Julie smiled. “It was good. How about yours?” 

“Same ole, same ole,” Wendy responded. “Although Joe had the kids this weekend, so I had a bit of time to myself for a change.” Wendy glanced across the table, then studied Julie’s face. “Judging from the grin on your face, yours was more than good. Fess up, Julie. I’ve known you long enough to tell something is up.”  

Julie showed Wendy a picture of Gus and told her all about him. 

“He’s quite handsome, don’t you think?” Julie asked her.  

Her heart sank when Wendy responded less enthusiastically than she expected. 

“Is it smart at your age to start something new?” Wendy asked her. 

“Why not? I’m not that old! Besides, it’s something I’ve thought about for quite a while,” Julie said, a bit more defensively than she meant to. 

“It’s just that you’ve been alone for a long time. And didn’t you tell me a few months ago that once you retire, you plan to see the world? What if he’s not the type that likes to travel? Man, if I were in your shoes, I’d never make that type of commitment,” Wendy added. 

“Well, you’re not in my shoes. Plus, I haven’t decided yet. It’s just something I’m considering,” Julie told her. 

“Hey, I’m not trying to be a wet blanket, but be careful. I know lots of people who’ve regretted doing the same thing. They get caught up in the warm fuzzy feeling of it all but forget the realities,” Wendy warned. 

“It’s just that Gus seems perfect for me,” Julie told her. “But, perhaps you’re right,” she conceded. “I’ll think about it.” 

For more than a week, Julie let Wendy get into her head. Everything about Gus soon became an obstacle in her mind. She armed herself with dozens of reasons it was a bad idea to pursue things further.  

He is older than I was initially thinking about, she told herself. He’s all the way down in Atlanta, for God’s sake! The distance alone makes all of this way too complicated. What if he’s not so perfect after all?  

She stopped going online. The next weekend, instead, she found a new British procedural and binge-watched the first ten episodes. But murder and mayhem, even with a British accent, couldn’t erase the images of Gus in Julie’s mind. She tried harder and harder to convince herself it wasn’t a good idea after all. However, she couldn’t stop thinking about him. 

Then one night after work, she logged into her email, and there he was. Gus was featured on the list with several other profiles from the site she’d registered with weeks ago. His picture was just as alluring as it was the first time she saw it. He seemed to call to her. She couldn’t help but think she’d given in to her fear instead of following her heart’s desire. 

She put her worries aside, and all the hurdles she imagined disappeared. Julie made arrangements to pick him up a few weeks later at the baggage claim area at the Albany International Airport. On the passenger’s seat, she had his picture—the one she’d downloaded from the website along with all the information about his flight and what time to pick him up. Julie was nervous and excited, but more than anything, she was happy she didn’t wait too long. Whatever happened, she would live with her decision. 

Julie arrived at the planned destination and stood anxiously wait as others grab their bags off the carousel. She peered down the hallway and saw a small cluster of people approaching. They were smiling. She knew instinctively, it must be him. Then she saw him through the crowd.  

He looks exactly like he did in his picture.  

At that moment, Julie knew she made the right decision. Any doubts she had disappeared. He looked straight at her and approached with reserved confidence.  

Maybe he was longing for me as much as I was for him?  

Meeting his gaze, Julie walked toward him, ignoring the flight attendant walking by his side.  

“Are you Julie Worthington?” the flight attendant asked when she reached them. 

“That’s me!” Julie told her.  

“You’re a lucky woman.”  

“I know,” Julie told her. 

Julie took time to relish the moment. She looked deeply into Gus’s eyes. She was flooded with emotion when he looked back at her and express a sense of complete joy. Gently taking his leash, Julie gave him a quick pat on the head and rubbed the big Sheppard behind his ears. 

“He’s a real keeper,” the attendant told her. 

“I knew he would be. He’s a retired police dog!” Julie said, beaming with pride. “Come on, Gus! We’re going home.”